Jealousy

 Wow, I never thought I would write about it. 

Most of my life I have either ignored it or was never bothered to feel jealous. I always felt it as a emotion that had no emotion in my life, because I had nothing to hold onto. 

I will try to contemplate on why I got jealous. It is best to write this thought when the emotions are still strong. 

Why did I got so jealous of Ana talking to 5 other people even when I knew the fact that it is very well beyond my control and she can do whatever she wants in her life.

Could be out of my fear of me losing her, but It can't be stopped, I just can't force her to be with me. That is true with anyone in life. I hope to be a fellow traveler with her in the journey called Life for as long as I can hah.

How I feel nowadays?

 Ana.

(A vague attempt to capture the emotions I feel.)

Why I started drawing?

I started drawing to get popular among girls meh, turned out girls don't really dig artists (or at least the ones who sucks).
Anyhow what started as a thing out of futile choice ended up being one of the best decisions of my life, I ended up like drawing so much that I have forgotten about girls (well mostly), Now I am spending more than ever time drawing, drawing to me has become a part of life, a way to express, I am enjoying every bits of it, even the part where I fail so hard, I suck so much, yet it is not painful, maybe because there's no one to judge, just a pursuit for me, by me to me.

Same story different day (Russian, Drawing and more life shit)

I think I have made it a habit to drop by here and pour my inner feelings and emotions whenever I am feeling sad, I should write when I am feeling better too, but such is life and circumstances.

Lately feeling of being lost and not knowing what do to in life surrounds me, but this time something is different, I can see that I am thinking about feeling lost and defeat.
I am aware of the feeling and emotions that are happening to me, yet I am not in control of it.
I am watching them as a bystander, feeling alien to all of it, sometimes the feeling and emotions consume me, other times I am just looking at it still feeling defeated.

Well hope this passes away soon.

Now coming back to our usual order of business, what I have been up to lately?
Well I have spent past few month learning Russian and Drawing (as usual), I haven't been playing any musical instrument lately, Not sure when I will get back to it, but I hope someday I get back to learning some musical instrument, maybe I should start practising harmonica again, Even though I have a lot more time than my peers I feel like I have less of it.

Another thing I have noticed is that I don't really feel close to anyone in this world and that is one of the reason I am trying to pursue and get good at art. Maybe someone somewhere out there can relate to how I feel about the world.

While learning Russian, I learned a lot about learning languages in general, I have enjoyed learning Russian till now, though I haven't practised much since I was relying on my teacher for teaching me and I think that I haven't been my usual self, I usually rely less on others and do things myself. Hope I can get back to practising Russian by myself and rely less on my teacher.

What else huh?, well I like a girl from my Russian class, though I am not sure if I should ask her out or not. I mean I have failed so many times(3?), should I give up or should I ask her out? I am not really sure. I know the worse that can happen is she tell no to me and we move on in different directions. I guess I will ask her out, on the last day of our class in person.

Is life hard or am I making it hard? I don't really know.

Also I am not even sure whether I  have gotten good at writing or not, I know I don't know those fancy words, maybe I should learn some of them or a different writing style or read a book or two on writing Meh.


So next is what I have been working on lately.
First is my project https://learntodraw.wiki , I am building learntodraw.wiki to help out newbies learn drawing, hopefully I can gather the will to write an article a week at least for the wiki.
Second is a Year Planner Generator https://pareshchouhan.github.io/year-planner-generator/ , Since i am spending more time off screen (or at least I think I do pffft.) I have made this year planner generator because of lack of a good one.
Third is a chrome extension to download images from wikiart , I used these images to carry out master studies and copy Bargue plates, here's the chrome extension https://github.com/pareshchouhan/wikiart-dl


Books I have read so far

• Art of learning by Josh Waitzkin
• Polyglot: How I learn languages - Kato Lomb 
• Power of Now - Eckhart

Lot of other books. You can check my good reads if you want to know what I have read and what I will be reading going forward https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/92904115-paresh-chouhan

Funnily enough, while writing this I forgot all of my worries and problems.

Anyhow, going forward I will be working on my Russian and Drawing and that is it (hopefully), maybe some side projects as well. But you know never know where life takes you so.

до свидания, до скорого, пока пока 

Year so far

So far everything is going good, I have tried a new app called SLOWLY that lets me connect to strangers around the world, I have met some really wonderful people on there, One of whom I still talk to, Her name is Skywaay. She is on her way to becoming a doctor. We have stopped exchanging letters for a while now, as she has been busy with exams, but hopefully I can get back to talking to her when she is done with them.

As for drawing, I have made considerable progress, I have a general sense of what skills to build and what to improve on, I am learning Perspective and Human anatomy now, I have just started doing these so It is going to take a while before these lessons are internalized, I am expecting it to take 2 years (or more than that).
Recently I learned about colour contrast and found it really fascinating, Through contrast you can differentiate and decide colour combinations.
A rule of thumb is Dark/warm colour advances and light/cool colour recedes, Colour contrasts will make a design more interesting and make things pop out or go in deep space.

Learning about colour contrasts came as a revelation to me, I have been really bad at colours from the beginning and understanding colour contrast has boosted my confidence, Now I feel peaceful when I am with colours, the feeling of uneasiness has disappeared.

I will be drawing more in the coming years, learning more about different skills in Drawing and practising them.
Maybe, going forward I will do a technical or subject write up on drawing.

Other thing that I have been working on lately is learning Russian language, though I still have a long way to go and alot to memorise, Russian feels relatively easy (but I still suck at it), I do not practice this as much as I practice drawing though, will work on it more in the coming years.

Life is going okay, Not much to look forward to, I am planning to visit US by the end of this year, hope that goes well

Things I am going to try while I am visiting US are
- Shooting range - fire a gun
- Sky diving - after training
- Scuba diving
- Driving along west coast
- Visiting a strip club
- Gambling in Vegas
- Visit Grand Canyon
- Visit an art gallery

I will add more to this list as I think about stuff to do.

At this point of life my goal is to get good at drawing and experience as much as I can, visiting places and doing things I always dreamt of doing.

Still got a long way to go, I will start reading English and Russian grammar now.
Till next time o/ 

Broken

In some way or the other we all are broken, but It can be fixed.

One thing I have noticed recently, what I frequently do is I rush through relationships and conversations, which I have no clue why I do so.
Hopefully next time I will be mindful about it and listen to what others have to say and respond appropriately, that is after pausing and giving it a thought.
With this in mind I hope to form more meaningful bonds and relationships going forward.

One thing I have noticed is I do this subconsciously, though I have no clue why others never prompted me about this(my friends, family and colleagues).
I have been trying to get at the root cause of the problem but was not able to figure out, as to why I do this.

Given that I know about it now, I can prepare myself, but I will need help from people around me to prompt me to think and answer.

I am glad I found that I am broken. but the good thing is it can be fixed. :)

if you are broken in some dimension of life, let me know in the comments.

Try hard?

Sometimes I ask myself, am I a try hard?
I suck at social skills, give me a relationship to build and I will mess it up in few days, be it friendship, romantic or others.
I have always wanted to connect to people on a deeper level, but having inadequate social skills has left me stranded, even with people  who have same interest as me I end up messing it up.
Having someone to talk to without the fear of being judged or getting acceptance is what my aim will be this year.
I know I will have to try harder to get better at it and get into more social situation, give people space and time.
I hope to learn all of that and more and get good at connecting with people.
I do not know for how long I can keep doing this, I will try my best to keep at it hoping eventually I will get it.


And for those whomsoever lives I have made it awkward for, I can only ask for forgiveness.
If you have suggestions on how to improve social skills or want to help me out, do comment.